We'll Call it a Draw

Having finally deduced, after nearly 2 weeks of a most unpleasant illness (the past 7 of those days spent mostly voiceless and with a headache which was probably incompatible with life before the advent of ibuprofen), that perhaps my preferred remedy of chain-sucking Hall's cough drops (expired Aug 2006) and a strict evening regimen of 3 or 4 hot toddies was just not working, I finally agreed to see a doctor. This was actually a big deal for me, because I am, technically speaking, a Non-Compliant Patient. This does not mean that I simply don't like going to doctors, and tend to put off yearly physicals for at least 7 years (I do physicals in Dog Years. Or, more accurately, Human Years if I were actually a dog: 7 years is like but 1 to me!) Although it's true that I don't like going to doctors, and, for example, my ob/gyn hasn't seen my wimmin bits since Frankie's birth. No, being a Non-Compliant Patient is a little more serious than that.

Being a Non-Compliant Patient means that there is a doctor's order floating around out there in the Medical System that you are actively disobeying. The short of it is that, a while back when things were looking so bleak for Annika, I suddenly started suffering bouts of heart palpitations, chest pressure, and nausea so bad that I would have to lie on the sofa until I felt safe to dare facing life in an upright position once more.

Being no dummy, I was pretty certain that I was experiencing my first ever panic attacks, and, given that I was well into my thirties, supposed that I was probably overdue for such an attack, anyway. Nevertheless, I was a little worried, because no matter how often I had read that people who suffer from panic attacks often feel like they are dying, I was genuinely surprised to discover that, indeed, I felt like I was dying.

So, despite being pretty certain that my symptoms were most likely stress-related, I decided to go see my primary care physician. After all, I didn't want to turn into some sort of modern day suburban version of the Monty Python Black Knight, falling to the ground one day in full cardiac arrest while still calling out, "No need to call 911! 'Tis nothing! 'Tis but a physical manifestation of mental anguish! I've had worse!"

The nurse for my primary care physician was coaxed into giving me a fairly quick appointment with the magical words "chest pressure" and "dying."  During the appointment, I described my symptoms in detail, and, trying to avoid dramatics, also confessed that I was  currently experiencing some slightly elevated stress, namely the whole I Think My Child's Doctors Are Stumped And Worry She Might Die Sooner Rather than Later thing.

The good news was that my doctor didn't seem concerned about the condition of my heart, but she did say that my gall bladder might be acting up, and ordered an ultrasound, just to check it out. Which means that there was really no bad news at all, since, while I am not a doctor, I certainly have never heard of anyone expiring of a bad gall bladder. Annika doesn't even have a gall bladder, as a matter of fact. From what I understand, the gall bladder is like the basement chest freezer of the digestive system. It stores the bile produced by the liver, and secretes it into the intestines as needed. But so far we have managed our lives just fine without a basement chest freezer (although sometimes I am overcome with an almost irresistible urge to stock up on frozen pizzas and cinnamon-toast waffles), and I figured I could also manage just fine without a gall bladder.

My general disdain for the gall bladder notwithstanding, I still don't know why I didn't schedule that ultrasound. From what I remember during my pregnancy, they are actually pretty relaxing, what with the lights dimmed and the warmed gel and the occasional whoosh-y noise coming from the computer. I guess the main reason I never followed up on my doctor's order was that I was busy. I mean, it's not as if Lord of Scoundrels was going to just read itself, you know?

The nurse from my doctor's office even called with a follow-up inquiry:

Nurse: It looks like we don't have any results back from the ultrasound the doctor ordered for you.

Me (thinking in my swagger-y Black Knight mental voice): Oh-ho! What a cleverly passive-aggressive opening gambit. So it's to be played that way, eh?

Me (answering in my meek, recognizes-medical-authority voice): Uh, no. I'm sorry. I haven't actually scheduled the appointment, yet.

Nurse (in her patient, perhaps-this-woman-is-a-staggering-idiot voice): Are you having difficulty scheduling an appointment? Do you need assistance to schedule this appointment in a timely manner?

Me (thinking in my swagger-y Black Knight mental voice): Oh-ho! Assistance? Ha! I am invincible! None shall pass!

Me (answering in my meek, recognizes-medical-authority voice): Uh, no. I'm sorry. I will schedule the appointment very soon.

Nurse: Thank you!

Which, of course, I did not do. So, even though I was beginning to wonder last week if perhaps I was about to be done in by a sinus infection, I hesitated to go see my doctor. After blatantly disregarding her last order, I was probably persona non grata around there. She would probably just walk into the exam room and wave her prescription pad in front of my face, taunting me. Oh? You want my advice now? You want my help now? Oh, I don't know if I should even bother ordering you to take antibiotics. You would probably just toss this prescription in the trash, wouldn't you? You would probably just rip this prescription for antibiotics into teeny-tiny pieces, because, after all, you know more about modern medicine after 10 minutes on the internet than I learned in four years of medical school, right? And, after all, who really needs sinuses, right? They're like the trash compactor of the respiratory system, and everyone knows those totally went out of style in the 1970s!

Finally, though, facing another evening of excruciating pain, I gave in.

"I'll call my doctor tomorrow," I told Jörg, who had been begging me to call for the past 3 days. I sighed in defeat.

Jörg shook his head, "Uh, no. Tomorrow is Saturday."

Thank goodness for Prompt Care centers, is all I can say. Which, of course, meant that the doctor who saw me had no idea about my Non-Compliant Patient status. I did notice a line on the paperwork she gave me (along with the blessed prescription for antibiotics) about "following up with my primary care physician," but I'm thinking that's more of a friendly suggestion than a medical order. After all my primary care physician is a very busy woman. Also, I've got a jam-packed schedule right now. After all, it's not as if Blaze Wyndham is going to get her bodice ripped no less than 17 times by 3 astoundingly equipped lovers without me, right?

Comments

[Nicole]

Glad you went to have that creeping crud cured. And here (Canada) when you go to a walk-in clinic, they send a copy of the paperwork to your primary care doctor anyways. And they have the line to follow up with them anyways, which I never do.

Non-compliant patient? That'd be me. No hot food for 24 hours following a wisdom tooth extraction yesterday? My furnace picked the same day to die. There was no way in hell I was going to live off cottage cheese, yogurt, water and juice. The first thing I did when I got home was have two cups of hot coffee.

And um, the gallbladder thing? Go get it checked out. My mom had the same symptoms many, many years ago, and eventually went in to get her gallbladder removed (which as I understand is it much like the appendix - questionable as to whether you need it or not).

By the time they got to that point, her gallbladder had turned green and was inflamed to the point of being wrapped around her spine.

Or you can tell me to stuff it. :)Just telling you my experience.

[kmom]

Just thinking that if your gall bladder really was a problem that you'd have continued to have problems until you did give in and have it looked at? And that the symptoms that you were having then went away when Annika improved?
Any other doctors in town in case you should need one another day?

[Jenn D]

I suspect if it was your gall bladder you'd know. Sweet Jesus, you'd know. As someone who recently survived gall sludge (not even a stone!) and resultant pancreatitis, I feel pretty confident that you'd know. I never knew the difference between hurting so badly that you think you're going to die, and hurting so badly that you wish you would die until that awful day...

[Liz]

I'm glad you went to the doctor.

And I'm wondering, did your non-compliant patient-hood start before or after Annika's medical adventures? Because you do a great job of keeping her stuff on target. So is it that you're so focused on her health you just can't do your own?

[Kyla]

Naughty you! And no doctors have checked out my female parts since KayTar's birth. I think my 6 week postpartum check up is a wee bit late now. Ooops.

[moreena]

kmom--That was exactly my thinking. I even suggested that to my doctor, that we just do the ultrasound if the symptoms reappeared. She gave me an ominous look and said, "Oh, but if it's the gall bladder, it will get worse. Much, much, much worse."

Which, Jenn D, is why I have all sympathy for you. Although I really hate to imagine exactly what you're talking about...

And, Liz, I really don't know. I've always been a bit lackadaisical in this area, but I do think that the constant vigilance with Anni's health leads me to be a bit dismissive of my own. Or maybe just burned out? I don't know.

[Mary Wallace]

Take the time for yourself and take care of yourself. I hope you're feeling better now with the antibiotics. Hope you schedule those checkups. Remember, example, example, example. :)

[MikeT]

As an occasional Black Knight myself, I'm totally on your side here.

No Surrender!

Death Before Embarassment!

But not, like, literally.

[MikeT]

And as much as I'd like to think I'd suck it up, I expect that if I were in your position, I'd find a new primary care physician.

:)

[moreena]

Aaaahhh, but I do like my primary-care physician (at least on the few times I've seen her). Also, if there's one thing I dread more than facing the music with my primary care physician, it's that awful New Patient Paperwork.

I think I need Kramer to go steal my medical chart for me.

[angela marie]

Elaine! That is EXACTLY what I was thinking as I read that. :)
LOL!

[Bobby]

Bummer. I can relate. I put off my physical for years, and then I was driven to do it by the pain, and the panic attacks.(06) My doc thought it was a bad gallbladder. You're pretty smart. I recall your post about parental intuition when it came to Anni's Bubble study. Mine came back negative, though my arterial blood gas shows a 15 to 20% shunt(hps). Please get checked out. NEVER shut out your inner voice, that intuition. Don't do it, Moreena, not then, not now.I think I left a comment to that effect. I have learned this Christmas season to always believe in what my body is telling me.

[Candace]

Ok, recent personal experience is making me do this. Everybody go get your annual exams!! I'm 36 years old, I've been with my husband for 10 years, I'm not in any way high risk. I waited two years between annual exams. Four months ago I found out I'd gone from never-an-abnormal-pap smear to invasive cervical cancer. Thank God it was found when it was, I ended up "only" having a hysterectomy and not needing radiation or chemotherapy. Sorry about the public service announcement, I couldn't help it.

[moreena]

Candace,

Oh, geez. I am so sorry. I know I really shouldn't make light of these things. I really shouldn't. I'm so glad it was caught, and wish you only the best of health. And thank goodness you are wiser (and more responsible) than I.

Joerg also pointed out that gallbladder cancer is actually one of the worst types of cancer, as well. Just to remind me that I need to learn some respect for the little guy.

[JJ]

Did you ever think about what would happen to your girls, especially Anni, if something were to happen to you? Take care of yourself. It's one of the best gifts you can give to your kids.

[Hannah]

I'm dead-scared of cervical cancer, esp. since I don't have kids yet but really want some...so I normally do get my 6-months-gyn appointment done, but am ever so lax about anything else; haven't seen a doctor for my sake other than that for 4 years or so? Despite increasing allergies, e.g. ...(not even been to the dentist, disgusting me.)

My dad who has monthly check ups because of his melanoma no longer measures his (abnormally high) cholestoral or any other risk-of-heart attack indicators which a 70 year old man should maybe look into...I can say I truly understand him.

Guess many families who have to deal with doctors on a regular basis for ONE major thing try to avoid any appointments apart from that one issue!

Not to say you should not go and see a doctor when in pain, of course :)

[purple_kangaroo]

Moreena, I must say . . . you are a most entertaining writer. This post and the one before it made me laugh so hard--out loud--that I had to send the links to DH so he could chuckle all the way through both of them as well.