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December 09, 2011

Comments

liz

You write so beautifully.

Moreena

Thanks, Liz.
I'm not sure how helpful it is that I'm trying to figure things out by reading what I've written. It seems a little weird, but then again trying to recall conversations or things I did just by pulling them from my memory isn't exactly a sure-fire strategy, either.

I read that entry I linked, that I wrote back when Annika was sick and waiting for yet another transplant, and I think that I was trying to say something about valuing what is, rather than what you are hoping for. I think it was also about holding on to optimism, and recognizing that you can be happy even during a generally sad time.

But then I also read the title and think, "What, exactly, was enough?" It could also be read as a woman declaring emotional independence, which is not exactly a bad thing. But it's a fine line when you're in a marriage. A little neediness is not a bad thing, either.

It's weird to analyze myself like I'm a character. It's weird to think that I thought I was writing one thing, but maybe there was something else there that I didn't recognize at the time.

OK, yes, it's weird and navel-gazey.

Mike

WIGD (my new abbreviation for "When I Got Divorced", the phrase I seem to start all my comments with), my friends would respond to my "what did I do wrong" navel gazing with the list of all the things that she did wrong. My response was that I couldn't control her behavior, but that I could control my own, and I needed to know what mistakes I made so I could avoid them next time.

My dad, of course, had the killer reply: "Yep. You'll make all new ones that you never saw coming." Love my dad.

Sharon

I'm in the middle of making the same decision that I've made countless times before. Or not. And then what?

Patti Griffin is one of my all-time favorites. Found "Burgundy Shoes" on the CD I bought not long ago. Now I will think of you and your girls when I hear that song ~

Kyla

We all make mistakes, every day. Somehow, I can't imagine that whatever mistakes you made compare to the huge one he made at the end. So I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure it all out...though I imagine it is hard to stifle that impulse to find some fixable answer for why this happened.

You are a beautiful writer.

Ugg boots online

The link to www.lovejapan.org.uk on your homepage seems to be broken.

kathy a.

oh, yes -- this is exactly the time to be spammed.

Andrea

I went through the same thing, for years, trying endlessly to figure out what I did that "made" my ex behave the way he did. In the end, I decided that I hadn't done a damned thing. He's an independent person, he made the choices he made independently of me and my behaviour, and nothing I could have done differently would have significantly altered those choices. Blaming myself, or looking for ways to 'take responsibility,' was a way of mitigating the sheer terror of thinking that maybe I had no control over whether or not that might happen to me again (and again). I needed to have control; therefore I needed to be *responsible.* Even when I wasn't.

Some of what I learned during that period turned out to be useful. A lot of it wasn't. One of the ways I know how much progress I've made is that I can look back and say, "Yep, that happened. I got utterly taken. I might be utterly taken again." I wanted there to be "more to it than that." Ultimately, there wasn't. He was who he was, who he'd always been, and he continued being that person. I just hadn't seen him clearly.

There's a lot more that I'd like to say that I don't think would necessarily be best put here, but know that I am thinking of you. And your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. With the thought you are putting into your decisions and the determination you have to consider their best interests first, I know they will come out of this thriving and happy.

Mike

I got married right out of school, and divorced at 30. A casual friend asked me at a party, "So did you learn anything?"

I laughed and said, "Yeah. Don't get engaged to 19 year olds. They don't know who they are yet." His body language completely changed, and he excused himself not long after. I found out later that he had just gotten engaged. To a 19 year old.

They were married just over a year.

Diane Dawson

Yeah. That one big mistake at the end transcends all others. Had a friend who cheated on his wife. Quite spectacularly. She was the bread winner and he went on a spending spree with his new beloved.

Anywaaayyy.... when he started (trying) to defend himself he'd say, "You have know idea what it was like to be married to X. There were other problems before."

Um. Sure. But the one you caused at the end? Transcends all others.

Now that I think of it... 2 couples I know. Huh. And kids involved in both.

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Falling Down, November 2004

  • Balloon in hand, my 4-year-old
    twirled across the kitchen floor,
    singing nonsense words
    in her own key.
    "It's my gift!" she declared
    to the world at large, which
    was really only me,
    sitting at the table. Enough
    twirling, and she lost
    her balance, tumbling
    to the floor in a theatrical
    slapstick of elbows and knees.

    She lay on her back
    for a few seconds,
    staring
    at the textured ceiling
    with the mysterious
    spaghetti sauce stain.
    Suddenly she
    began
    flapping her arms and legs
    there on the floor, as if to swish
    the imaginary snow
    into a snow angel.

    "Falling down is also a gift!" says she.

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