begin

This is probably already the title of a post somewhere in the past 9 1/2 years of this journal, but I'm not going to bother qualifying with "again" because I'm aiming for every post from now on to be titled "begin." At least in my head.

We made it through our first round of holidays without anyone losing an eye. All my fellow Left Women* have told me that the first holiday season is the worst. Thanksgiving was torturous, but Christmas eased into melancholy, and by New Year's I didn't even need to lay flat on the bed to zip up my Big Girl Pants. Of course this is probably because the magical Divorce Diet has helped me lose 15 pounds.** I've thought about writing that diet book to solve all my financial issues, but realized that Step 1: Lose your Husband to the Love of a Younger and/or Prettier and/or More Successful Woman, might be a bridge too far for many dieters out there. Also, step 1 is also pretty much the only step, so it would be an extremely short book.

I ended the year trying my best to pull together all the documents and numbers I need for the financial affidavit portion of the Divorce Fun Times. Since the financial stuff was never my marital territory, I did not exactly have a leg up here. My lawyer seemed a tad appalled that I couldn't even give an accurate reckoning of how much money I had been making per year, but that's the way I rolled.

I finally realized, though, that my best strategy for the financial affidavit was to slow down a bit, because it turns out that a lot of the numbers I need actually get mailed right to me! Yes! In the form of handy monthly statements! Right there in my mailbox! A-mazing.

And it also turns out that the best way to get an idea of monthly expenses for the 3 of us is simply to keep track of them for a couple of months. Going back through 12 months of bills and trying to extract our expenses from his (or reduce them down by a fair percentage) was giving me a ginormous headache.

So it's not done, but it's 3/4 of the way done, and that's enough for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day now I wake up and try to get one major task accomplished. There are some things around the house that are falling apart in the most hilarious way possible. The bi-fold door to the linen closet, the one that always came off its track and that Jörg alone could fix, now leans permanently in the hallway, leaving the shelves of the closet completely exposed. This would not be so funny were it not for the fact that, in addition to not folding underwear, I also do not believe it's worth my time to learn how to fold fitted sheets. Also I've been asking the girls to help me put away laundry (previously they only had to fold and put away their own), so everything has been sort of stuffed and poked into the closet in the most haphazard way possible, so, even if that pink towel was once neatly folded, it's a scrunched-up ball by the time they're done with it. But, hey, it's put away enough for me. Thanks, kids! Good job!

In the grand scheme of things, we are doing OK on our own. The girls now tell me about things that make them miss having their dad around, and I can nod and say, "Yes, that is sad. Do you want to call him?" And when I say this I no longer feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest, or the eye, or any other body part. Which is certainly progress on my part, and theirs.

I've been slowly preparing the girls for the possibility that we will have to move. I went to see a financial planner at my bank, taking Jörg's offer of support and my current income and our current debt, and he told me that staying in our house with those numbers would be a huge mistake. This, of course, is another thing that makes me angry, as I wanted us to move to a smaller house with a smaller yard ages ago, back when the girls were too little to have really gotten attached the place. Instead, Jörg chose a bigger, more expensive place (albeit with less yardwork, and it's true that  I liked the place, too), which meant that we had to price our place high enough that it didn't immediately sell. And so we stayed here.

Now the girls have friends in the neighborhood. We know and like most of our neighbors. We like the schools. Annika spent most of last summer working on decorating her room to her exact specifications. The girls have helped choose the plants that we've put in around the yard, Annika's beloved swingset is here, our Hannah Memorial tree is here, and this is where they've had parties and sleepovers and every thought of home means this house. This is the place they feel safest and best. Just bringing up the topic of moving from this house makes Annika fall apart. Frankie, on the other hand, is all for moving to a completely different town, which is actually a more worrying reaction to me.

But I found a house in one place we might move to (closer to my mom and sister) that has a heated workshop, which Annika instantly envisioned as her craft and sewing studio. And, just like that, she was willing to consider the idea.

So now we start to figure out how to begin again. It still hurts. I still cannot look him in the eye when he comes to pick the girls up for a visit. But life moves on, and every day begins a new start. Just get one thing done, and make sure your kids know they are loved (by both parents). It's not a bad plan, I guess.

* As opposed to Right Women? This phrase doesn't really work, but Abandoned Women sounds too melodramatic. Feel free to offer suggestions.

** Now 20, since it seems to take me 2 weeks to finish these posts now that I'm not leaking sadness and rage all over the place.

Comments

[Neighbor Lady]

I am a long time lurker, and may have occasionally commented in the past--can't remember now, but have been following your story for many years now, holding you and your kids in my thoughts.

I just wanted to delurk because of the sentence about the diet plan...step 1 etc... (which I do realize was meant in jest, but still....)

The "Younger" part, I guess I can't argue with, but as for prettier--beauty is all about who you are as a person. And in all the years I've been reading your blog, I know for sure you are truly beautiful, inside and out. And, as for "more successful", may I just encourage you to look at those two wonderful girls of yours and the spirit you have shared with them as you have nurtured them over the years. By my reckoning, there is no greater success than that.

Hope I'm not being too intrusive, and definitely don't mean to come off as preachy or anything (you have such a great way with words, and sometimes I can't make mine sound exactly how I want them to), but wanted to share those thoughts. More beautiful or more successful? No possible way.

I am truly sorry for this difficult time you are facing.
My thoughts and well-wishes will be with you and your girls.

--Neighbor Lady

[liz]

Sending you hugs and love and wishes for a warm workroom.

And it's wrong for me to say this on MLK Jr. Day, but I really really really want to kick Jorg in the nuts.

[Susan]

You're making progress. That's all that can be asked for, right? Perhaps Jorg would like to buy you out of the expensive house so that the girls can have their cake and eat it too?

[Mike]

FYIW, I use mint.com to track expenses and such. It's pretty handy for knowing where our money is going and coming.

[Catherine]

You are so gorgeous and amazing, Moreena. But I do have a suggestion: I think you should start omitting the umlaut. Just plain Jorg. With a hard j. But then again, petty revenge is a specialty of mine.

[taly]

I hope you had 20 lbs to spare. A new house can be extremely helpful in a life change for more than just financial reasons, especially closer to family. Since the existing place is both of yours, it does not have to be your responsibility (agreeing with the suggestion above to buy you out of the expensive house). While there are many programs and tools to help track existing expenses, perhaps analyzing last year's patterns aren't quite as helpful as figuring out your priorities and values. In other words, you can simply decide what your monthly expenses will be - I found adding up what I thought we must have easier than subtracting... Debt can be negotiated as well, especially in this change of circumstances, and it first needs to be divided (not necessarily 50-50) for you to have an accurate picture of your share of responsibility.
Very much in favor of your approach to tackle one thing a day. Warmly,

[elswhere]

Another beautiful and thoughtful post. I'm guessing "Begin" is a Wailing Jennys reference? Just remembered another Canadian band you might like, The Be Good Tanyas, They kind of trend more melancholy than the Jennys, especially their new stuff. But you might like some of it. Like this song, which I listened to a lot in the car during a hard time a few years ago, and whose video only adds to its loveliness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd1Ie370rHk&ob=av2e

[kathy a.]

very beautifully written. i'm glad you're making progress; that you and the girls are adjusting. not feeling kindly about the circumstances forcing you into this big life shakeup.

it would be great if he bought out your share on the house, and then he could deal with it. meanwhile, yay on one thing every day!

on the money -- don't sell yourself short on what you will need. i'm guessing you are not currently spending a lot, because everything is up in the air and the cash flow is uncertain, but the kids will keep needing things -- and it gets more costly as they get older. things will keep breaking; the closet door is one thing, but a car or furnace is something else again. if you are working more, you will need more to cover child care, summer camp, etc. so, what you've spent recently is not necessarily the best measure.

it's great annika immediately thought of studio when she heard about that one place! we spent a long time looking for a house that was right for us and that we could afford -- it was so interesting seeing the kids at open houses, imagining each place as theirs. even if we were definitely not going to buy a place, they ran around calling dibs on bedrooms, discussing how we would use other rooms and whether the pets would approve. they played detective: who lives here? (open houses suspend the rules about nosiness -- you can walk right in and check everything out. and express opinions.)

[Jessica]

The divorce diet is an impressive system. Did it myself and discovered that I had some kind of boney structural system holding my whole body together. Crazy. :-) But the even better diet? Falling in love again. Because I was happy AND skinny. I know it is too soon to think about. But I'm guessing some day you will be there. In the mean time protect your money. Listen to your attorney. And have a small funeral for that umlaut. I couldn't agree more with Catherine.

[Sue]

begin anywhere.
hugs.

[Rev Dr Mom]

I'm glad you are writing again--but I am so so very sorry that you are having to go through this. Been there and done that in a different version of course, but hang in there...you will make it through to the other side.

Many hugs and good thoughts for you and the girls.

And I'm glad you have a good attorney--absolutely crucial!!