Joerg* is taking the girls bowling every Thursday night now. The girls are really excited about having a regularly scheduled event with him, and I'm happy that they are negotiating a new relationship with him. "Happy" being a relative term here.
On my first Thursday free, I went to find exercise pants that don't fall down when I jog (by popular demand, sent to me telepathically by the b-ball players playing in the court I was slogging around). On my second Thursday free, I went to go hear a performance by the poet Andrea Gibson. It was preceded by an open mic for the undergraduates, at which point I began wondering if the Student Center served alcohol, because there could have been a very fine drinking game going on based on variations of the phrase "broken dreams." Which is not to say that their poetry was not much appreciated, just that it might have been a teensy bit more appreciated with a glass of wine in hand.
As a comfortably married woman, I enjoyed reading well-written romance novels (good recommendations found here, if you don't already know about the many resources to help you glean the chaff from the wheat in the vast and fertile (heh) field of romance novels). As a slightly panicked and depressed woman, left by her husband for another woman, and rejected beyond all doubt, I cannot even contemplate reading a romance. So I was relieved to have to leave the poetry reading early when she announced that she was going to end with a run of love poems. If I'd had my way with the Broken Dreams Drinking Game earlier, I probably could have just had a good cry over it all, but Sober Me left feeling a bit nauseous (and just a little bit like crying). Exploring the feminine emotional life is more than I'm capable of right now.
I wonder if I will ever feel poetic about this? I wonder if I will ever be able to step away enough to try to make something of it all? Something that I can smash into words that don't quite capture it all, but enough for me to feel like I've understood enough to move on? Right now there are so many practical concerns, so many decisions to make, and so much paperwork that poetic is the last thing I'm feeling.
I think about taking notes for an advice book instead. It's pretty well known that lots of marriages with kids with major medical issues don't last. Although I would not have identified that as a current strain on our marriage, I guess that history never really goes away. And I can't argue the fact that when Annika was at her sickest, our relationship was pushed to the breaking point. I've heard stories from other moms of transplant kids, whose own marriages have broken. I wonder if there has been some sort of survey taken on this phenomenon, because, anecdotally, it always seems to be the husband doing the leaving, and there seems to be a strong theme of Greener Pastures going on. Surely someone could gather enough data to offer some sort of practical advice? Figure out what the hell is going on? So far the only trend I'm noticing is that marriages with medical kids last best when it's not the case that one parent is made primarily responsible for child care.*** Also, that it is always the husband leaving for some other possible relationship, and I wonder if statistics don't just make it easier to leave.
My neighbor offered the (yes, slightly tipsy) advice that you should never marry an atheist, because your husband needs to believe that he will go to hell for leaving you for another woman.
I picture my husband weighing the cons, with "Life with Moreena (ugh)" balanced in one hand and "Eternal Torment in the Fiery Pit of Hell" in the other. Slowly, despairingly, he turns his head to me and nods. Go, Sanctity of Marriage!
Of course, I thought the example of my Ph.D. advisor, whose marriage was ended by her husband's affair with a younger colleague, was to tell me that valuing your career over your marriage was a good way to weaken your relationship. And so I did not pursue following her overseas to finish my degree, choosing instead to stay in town and wait for Joerg to finish up his degree. Which has now left me in the same position as my former Ph.D. advisor was in, only without a career. So I probably should ease up on using anecdotal evidence in making life decisions.
So I'm not feeling poetic, and my analytical skills are also very much in doubt.
Which mainly just leaves overwhelmed as my main state of mind. It's easier being really busy when you're not also having to make big decisions simultaneously. Mostly my life was going along a pretty set path, but now that path has splintered into a decision tree with so many branches that it's more of a decision bush.
The girls are slowly coming back to themselves, although they ask me heartbreaking questions on a regular basis. Annika's back to working at school (most days) and dreaming up new ideas before she's finished up with the last project. Frankie is back to asking crazy, specific Frankie Questions (What kid wants to know the specifics of credit-card sharing? Frankie, that's who.) I don't know how all this will affect them, and I'm trying not to focus too much on the negatives. Certainly I can forget about them learning about what it takes to make a lasting relationship (lesson #1: you don't just walk away from it with no warning, and all the subsequent lessons are now moot), but they are now learning about being flexible, adapting to new circumstances, being independent, and recovering from a big hurt. Those aren't bad lessons to learn, and I'll just have to hope that their relationships work out somehow.****
My third and fourth Thursdays were not so free, as Annika and then Frankie succumbed to the mighty Super Tummy Bug attacking GI tracts all over town. Joerg and I might be busy redefining our parental roles right now, but I'm pretty sure I'll always be the one cleaning up after the yuckies hit and making chicken broth soup that gets cold in the cup before it can be sipped down with a straw and a grimace.
This Thursday is the Book Club I had gotten too busy in the past few years to keep up with. I look back and see how busy I was trying to contribute to the financial health of our family, while still keeping up with the demands of my demanding kids, only to have all that hard work wiped out in one awful afternoon. I gave up too much to have it all go away so easily, and yet it has, and there is a lesson there that is not even the hardest lesson to learn.
Here is the one I don't want to learn:
Whatever I do at this point will be both the right thing and the wrong.
Frankie drew a picture of a heart last night with a big blue teardrop in the middle. "Because sometimes love makes you cry," she explained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Umlaut dropped by popular demand, but I couldn't help replacing it with oe. I'm going to pronounce it "George" in my head for those of you rooting for petty vengeance, though. It's better (and way more legal) than setting fire to his motorcycle in the front yard. It's also completely appropriate, as I still remember one of our first conversations at our first sort-of date. We were sitting on the floor in the living room of my apartment in the complex filled mostly with happily independent senior woman. Hepburn was meowing to go out, since the happily independent senior woman fed her their leftover chicken, thinking she was a poor stray cat (despite her distinctly non-stray healthy tummy size). I asked him his last name**, and he said everyone always mispronounced it, and I said, "Give me a shot." He wrote it down for me, and I said it perfectly correctly. And he looked at me like I was some sort of genius, like I had just stepped down from Mount Perfection, and told me that I was the first person in this country to get it right. Then we married, and moved here, and had children, and he started to pronounce it the way everyone always did, the wrong way, and I never understood why he would do that. I said, "Hey. I took your name, and it's pronounced this way, not that." Now I'm giving that name back, and leaving my children with it. But they will learn to pronounce it the right way, because it's worthwhile to stick with what's right even if it is harder.
** I went on a date with a guy before I knew his last name? Apparently, I did.
*** True for many marriages? I know it is not what I had planned for our marriage, but we had to make adjustments, given Annika's long health struggles.
**** Surely true for all parents, no matter the circumstances.
((((Moreena)))).
Posted by: liz | February 07, 2012 at 10:43 AM
I had a meditation teacher once whose husband had left her while she fought cancer, and she'd sometimes talk about the divorce stats for cancer patients. But I haven't ever seen a book on "keeping your marriage together while facing medical crises" sort of book.
It can't be that there's no need, so maybe it's just that nobody knows how to do it.
Posted by: Mike | February 07, 2012 at 11:13 AM
I don't know how you aren't seeing the absolute amazingness of your writing this very moment. And I think a bitterly humorous book about all the stupid advice you ever received about marriage would be a raging best seller. How completely accurate your assessment of not putting your career "ahead" of your husband is. The atheist versus the religious zealot argument... it is all gold. George is really one of my least favorite people right now but boy he is a great character - villian that is. I'm sure many people will disagree with me but in my experience fathers aren't particularly important. My mother (and I suspect this is the same experience my children are having right now) was and still is the foundation and the game changer. What I am is due directly to my mother. And your daughters have an incredible mother.
Posted by: Jessica | February 07, 2012 at 12:10 PM
I also love, love, love your footnotes.
Posted by: liz | February 07, 2012 at 02:57 PM
I guess the advice book is a bad idea, as I clearly also did not know how to get it right. But maybe some interviews with those that did and did not succeed in keeping it together, along with some take-it-or-leave-it analysis might be useful. Hmm.
And I do love my wonderful, kind neighbor. I wouldn't exactly call her a religious zealot, or at least I would say that she has a fantastic sense of humor for a religious zealot and has always been very accepting of our differing beliefs. She had a lot of good advice to give me, though.
I would hate to paint Joerg as a cartoon-y villain in all this. In fact, that's one reason I've been making it public rather than indulging in a bunch of private seething. Yes, I'm hurt and angry, but I'm trying not to take it too far. And my girls still have to be able to look up to him, and love him. So give me a heads-up if that's what I'm doing!
Posted by: Moreena | February 07, 2012 at 03:05 PM
I think of him as Yergh. But then I think of another guy that way, too (no, not my ex), and his name's Andrew.
Anyway. What happened -- and why the men leave in general -- is going to sound way too simplistic and dependent on an offensive stereotype. Most men aren't very strong. Most women are stronger than most men. That's about it. They break way before we do. That stuff about how women are built for distance events and have more stamina? Well...it's true.
Most men are also scared, and won't leave a marriage in favor of nothing. And they'll wait until some woman comes along and "makes them stray", and signals that she'll catch him if he jumps. Then there's a safety, and then they can go.
And then...well, there's what my daughter says, despite all my propaganda about Rah Daddies Go Awesome Yay Men. The other night she told me, in the midst of explaining something else, that moms care more about children than fathers do. And when I flinched, she explained that it was probably because the kids grew inside them.
As for career etc: If you can figure out how to explain to women not to give up valuable things for men, ever, and make it stick, I will send you the best chocolates in the world. Maybe you can fold into it something about all the excuse-making we do in order to convince ourselves that distinctly non-awesome men are awesome.
(Yesterday my daughter was chattering away about what my ex wants to get his girlfriend for Valentine's Day. The $18 necklace is too expensive, so apparently she's getting a large stuffed dopey-looking gorilla that he likes. And I thought: Poor woman, she's got a Bad Boyfriend, and she'll have to pretend to have wanted that stupid gorilla all along. Someday you will have a moment like this.)
About that motorcycle: Do not set fire to it, but find the highest reasonable valuation for it you can.
I totally agree that your daughters have a worldbeating mom, but that has more to do with the normalcy-in-the-midst-of-serial-lifesaving than it does with anything Yergh's doing. And I hope your generosity towards him is for your own sake and the girls' and not for him. Meanwhile, they will in short order recognize that he's a turd, no matter what you do. And they'll revisit and rediscover that for the rest of their lives.
About the PhD: you already know this, but even if you had one, it wouldn't do you much good right now. What does seem to help in freelanceland is "working on a PhD".
Posted by: amy | February 07, 2012 at 07:53 PM
As the aunt of three wonderful kids who didn't grow in their mama's tummy, I can tell you for sure that the love doesn't depend on the uterus-growing-phase! :) And I know some dads who are pretty involved in their kids' lives, and some moms who might be less so. But I guess as a generalization it surely is true that there are more moms showing up for PTO than dads, and more moms sitting on the side of the pool watching their kids swim, and on and on.
Posted by: Moreena | February 08, 2012 at 07:51 AM
I think also that men know that they will not be socially punished for leaving, whereas women would.
Men leave, and can still get partial custody if they want it. Men leave, and their circle of friends will still accept them. Men leave, and their employers think nothing of it.
Posted by: liz | February 08, 2012 at 10:03 AM
My situation has a straight line drawn in red Sharpie marker from my cancer experience to his living across the Puget Sound shacking up with someone who cares enough about her dog to buy $40 vegan dog food, but couldn't muster the compassion for his children to stay away when he asked her to.
I think the book is a brilliant idea - whether it is an advice book or a book to let those of us who are spinning in the aftermath of that whoosh know that we aren't alone, and that what happened to us wasn't a rejection.
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 08, 2012 at 05:58 PM
I love your writing and your insight - "because it's worthwhile to stick with what's right even if it is harder" sums it all up, really. So maybe an advice book on a more general level is not such a bad idea after all...
All the best -
Hannah
Posted by: Hannah | February 09, 2012 at 04:15 AM
I also did not think at the time that my career was important and did not folllow the same advisor to get my Ph. D. (Btw, one student that did finished in 2001). I switched to a new different field and began from scratch (easier at 29). I continued in gradschool as the best part-time job to raise kids. My 5 grad degrees have not resulted in a job so far that reflects my level of education (did finish my dual Ph.D. in 2010) because I still need to raise the children. I find the older they get, the more challenging it may become at times, and do not want additional stress and time demands. I am also responsible for my oldest daughter who is not likely to be able to live independently ever. Plus I've been in court for the last 5 years with my ex, who mysteriously had to change his residency training midway (4 years of taxpayers subsidized training down the drain), and in for yet another custody battle in April... I am happy with the supportive environment and a flexible job in this situation rather than high pressure of getting tenure.
Re: advisor. Doing extremely well professionally, with children fully grown and close to their mother. Her ex was on his third marriage (the affair did not last), not at all popular with his students in a minor college in California, living a very different lifestyle (hippyish) than his first ex.
Best of luck with everything - it will pass and you'll be happy again - it's a choice. I agree with the comment above that men do not leave a marriage to be alone - mine was very nervous his newly found love was not going to leave his husband for him, and waited to jump ship as long as possible... Just wondering - how can a happy person (actually, couple) keep suing for so long instead of enjoying life together and their soon-to-be 3 children in 4 years that they have to keep interfering with our lives?
Take care, with much admiration,
Posted by: taly | February 09, 2012 at 07:44 AM
P.S. just noted a freudian typo - "his husband" - should have been "her", but she is his boss now in residency, and undoubtedly calls all the shots (thus the one wearing the pants).
Posted by: taly | February 09, 2012 at 07:48 AM
Interesting, taly. I had no idea how everything played out with our advisor. I can't believe how silly I was not to keep working with her, even if it meant a leap into the unknown. Not surprised to learn that she is very close to her children, nor that her husband's affair did not last.
I know I keep thinking going back to grad school would be the simplest thing for me, but I know that it is also no guarantee of a job. Divorce sucks.
Posted by: Moreena | February 09, 2012 at 09:10 AM
"Indeed, research suggests that Cassidy's experience isn't an anomaly, and that women are more likely than men to be victims of what's known as partner abandonment. A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer found that a married woman diagnosed with a serious disease is six times more likely to be divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis. Among study participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men. A control group divorced at a rate of 12 percent, suggesting that if disease makes husbands more likely to split, it makes wives more likely to stay."
From: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Leave-Sick-Wives-Facing-Illness-Alone-Couples-and-Cancer#ixzz1lu66ZZfO
I've seen this study in a few places. Umm, yes, men are far more likely to bail when a serious illness hits. Frankly, putting on my temporary misandrist hat, most men are raised with a mind-boggling sense of personal entitlement, which I have had a close view of in the past few years of dating. They will grow up and marry pretty girls who will take care of them, so they don't need to learn how to do all that icky laundry/shopping/housework stuff. Their wives will also manage not only the marital relationship, but all of the other relationships, including their own immediate families, so they don't need to worry about buying greeting cards or remembering birthdays ever again. The wives will stay pretty after giving them the children they want, and if they get stretch marks or gain weight this is fair game for leaving. Since it is the wife's job to do the taking care of, if anyone gets sick and they are expected to pitch in on the nurturing front, this is also fair grounds for divorce. And since as a previous commenter pointed out, men are much much less likely to leave a relationship without another waiting in the wings (there are stats for that one too), they'll cheat in order to find a replacement so that they never have to be alone, never have to be responsible for themselves.
AND, because wives are responsible for relationship management, this means no matter why the divorce happens or what led to it, IT IS THE WIFE'S FAULT. It is truly the icing on the cake. I have seen so many left women rake themselves over the coals for what they did to "make" their (former) husband lie, cheat, deceive, quit, whatever--and the men just hum along merrily with an "Oh well, it clearly wasn't meant to be, the spark was gone, I fell in love with someone else, I couldn't help it, not my fault!" song in their hearts.
(This is why I am taking a break from dating at the moment. "So, in what way are you an asshole?" is really not the best sentiment with which to begin a potential relationship, no matter how justified it feels at present. I do recognize that there are good guys out there ... but the bar for "good" really seems to be set too low, and their expectations set way too high. I'd rather be single, frankly.)
And the mothers thing? Yep. The whole drive for microcredit in third world aid was driven by the statistical observation that women spend 7x more of their income, proportionally speaking, on their kids than dads do. The old big projects spent a lot of money on men's wages, figuring this would trickle down to their kids, but it didn't work--they spent the money on themselves. Then they did the studies and figured out that if you want to end child poverty, you need to give the money to the moms. Hence microcredit for small, home-based businesses. (These are of course averages. There are exceptions and overlap, as with any other gender difference.)
Posted by: Andrea | February 09, 2012 at 11:04 AM
((( moreena ))) such lovely writing about such painful things. in case you think you lost your sense of humor -- it's still there. ;)
you are a fabulous mom; the love and constancy and resilience are all things the girls need, and you are good at it. that's what they need to become full and decent humans.
george has earned the respect he's getting around these parts. it's such a cliche, too: middle-aged professional gets bored and lands a hot new love -- happened to my fabulous aunt, too. (this being the late '70's, uncle tony also acquired a disco-style perm, a puka shell necklace, and a red 2-seater sports car, leaving my aunt with 3 kids [one with challenges due to birth accident] and no career whatsoever.) so, my fabulous aunt secured her part of the community property, developed a couple of careers and some amazing hobbies, and she is still going strong. it was miserable at the time, but it did free her up to be all of who she really is.
i don't think you should beat yourself up too much about decisions made in the past for reasons that were good at the time. the only direction we can move is forward. xoxo
Posted by: kathy a. | February 09, 2012 at 08:09 PM
Andrea, I agree with your observations and generalizations because they match my experience. I do see plenty of males that are not narcissistic (I work in a mostly all-male profession), but then they are all invariably married and have families. I had one advisor who stuck by his wife with severe depression for many years despite it taking a very significant toll on him.
I would be grateful if you had references to the studies on moms' vs dads' spending patterns.
Moreena, I never worked with our advisor after she left - would not have been financially feasible for me. She'd love to hear from you, I am sure.
I agree with Kathy that divorce freed me to be myself. Betrayal sucked, but I'd rather live the truth instead of supporting an unsustainable individual whose high maintenance continues to show its toll wherever he goes and with whomever. It is crystal clear from the choices you made in your life which path you are on and where you will end up - wherever you want to be. Gradschool is not the answer to all, but may be the right thing for you at the right time - trust your guts. I am doing research on the side now in the spare time I do not have, but there is no pressure on me to do it either. I appreciate a decent job with supportive people.
P.S. Kathy - your aunt rocks! My grandfather I never met left his wife with 4 children, no education or work. She did great as well and passed on with her daughters at her bedside. She was illiterate, my mom is an engineer. I remember her always cheerful although she did not have two nickels to rub together. Cheers!!!
Posted by: taly | February 10, 2012 at 07:57 AM
Your girls are amazing and so are you!
Posted by: Susan | February 16, 2012 at 08:42 PM
Oh, Moreena. I'm just catching up after a long hiatus from this blog and my heart is breaking for you and your girls. I am amazed (but, honestly, not at all surprised) by how you've written about this terrible experience - your words are simultaneously beautiful and eloquent and funny and painful. I'm sending you, Anni, and Frankie a million hugs and plenty of thoughts for happier days ahead. Keep working on those baby steps. You will feel whole again.
Much love.
Other-Anni
Posted by: Anni M | February 22, 2012 at 09:37 PM
((( moreena ))) i'm actually responding to your newer post, the one where comments are closed, because i just need to send you a hug. xoxoxo
Posted by: kathy a. | February 27, 2012 at 05:06 PM
Moreena,
My dear...... please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful person.There is so much for you to discover. I want you and the girls to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sure will miss your writing. I feel like this is a good bye letter. Even though we have never met.
Deb B
Posted by: Deb | February 27, 2012 at 08:33 PM
My mum has always told me that geographical distance is a great help when the heart is broken, and I found that for me at least she was right. I hope the move helps you all. I don't comment much but have been reading your blog for years. Hang on in there xx
Posted by: Elly | March 03, 2012 at 04:21 PM
Moreena, I'm so sorry that you and your beautiful girls have to go through this. You have all been through so much. Many thoughts and prayers from us, your fellow Chicago liver family. Emily & Grace S.
Posted by: Emily | March 07, 2012 at 01:48 PM
Thinking about you today Moreena. XO
Posted by: LP | March 21, 2012 at 06:09 PM
yes, thinking of you and the girls. xoxo
Posted by: kathy a. | March 22, 2012 at 02:00 PM