springy

Spring is the very best time of year for our yard: the glorious crabapple and the flowering pears and the redbud tree and the giant forsythias and the lilac and the doublefile viburnum. Every one of them has a story behind how they came to be in our yard, and I remember planting them all. The lilac makes me the saddest, because Joerg knew how much I loved them and we went and bought one right away to plant in our new yard. It was my very first plant purchase at our new home together. Last year, after 13 years in our yard, I decided that it was looking a big rough so I pruned it down nearly to the ground after flowering. All summer it looked awful and ridiculous, but I knew it had to be done. This spring, as I knew it would, it has filled in with young and lovely growth into a full and symmetrical shape, even better than it was before, if a bit shorter.

I don't know if I should take this as a metaphor for starting over without the man I chose as a life partner, or as a metaphor for the difficulty of patiently waiting through the ugly years of a marriage to find the new shape of a relationship. I should probably just accept that gardening is easier than marriage, and quit trying to make every bush and plant into a Life Lesson.

Slowly, slowly, and sadly, I have accepted that he was truly unhappy with me, and for a very long time. No one walks out on a marriage with two kids for a woman who's been living with your family for less than 3 weeks. Not any one sane and reasonable, at least, and he has always been eminently sane and reasonable. After the initial hurt wore off, I began to realize that, despite her relative youth, she really should have been nothing compared to me. I am the mother of his children, and I am a fabulous mother. I was by no means the perfect wife, but even writing the words "perfect wife" squicks me out a little bit. I was supportive and flexible and a good partner; I am smart and funny and entirely OK with my own imperfections. I know my flaws, and I know the things about me that drove him crazy as well as I know the things about him that drove me crazy.

I know now that he must have been thinking of leaving for a very, very long time. And that's just the way it is. No mystery to solve or self-improvement to be gained by hearing his reasons. I am who I am, and he no longer enjoyed the comfort of knowing me.

A few days ago I ran into a woman I know who went through a horrible divorce. Her husband had serious problems, and she ended up mainly fending for herself while going through the emotional upheaval of her divorce. We would run into each other at the library, or at a school literacy night, or at a town parade, and she would update me on the increasingly awful state of affairs while our kids were off doing their kid stuff together. When I ran into her this time, she had a new man with her. She introduced him as her boyfriend, and I, with all my emotions just barely under the surface, told him, "I just love this woman. She is one of the kindest, strongest, most wonderful souls I know." I'm sure I surprised her. I bet she wondered what was in the Diet Coke I was drinking. But this new guy did not even hesitate. He put his arm around her waist and looked me right in the eye, "I love her, too. You are exactly right."

I guess it's easy to be that pitch perfect in the beginning of a relationship, but I still found the whole encounter heartening. Happiness is exactly what you hope to see in April, cruelest month or not.

There are so many things about my life right now that I find completely ridiculous. There's the fact that I feel like I need to tell all my married friends, "You realize that I would never have an affair with your husband, right?" And it's not because their husbands aren't awesome, but because the very notion gives me hives. But then I don't, because saying something like that implies that their husbands would want to have an affair with me, which also seems ridiculous. But now I feel ridiculously uncomfortable around their husbands, because I haven't actually said this and I feel like I need to, even though it would certainly count among the top 10 stupidest things I have ever said (and I have said some supremely stupid things).

There's also the fact that I'm considering going vegetarian again and dragging my kids along with me simply because I am really awful at cooking meat. Frankie can't help but opine that my steak or chicken or whatever is not as good as daddy's, and I can't help but agree, because that was his role. The Meat Guy. I'm not sure anyone has ever cited "culinary inability and emotional trauma" as the reason for going vegetarian, but hey.

There's also the damn closet door, which is still leaning on the wall. There's the bank guy, nearly laughing me out the door when I looked into a mortgage on my own. There's me, still with the schedule of a stay-at-home mom who likes to work, but suddenly without the luxury of a partner who makes that possible. And there's the chaotic press of two dogs and a kitten, which is a whole essay on ridiculousness every day.

But however ridiculous, I think I am coming to terms with this new life. I have let go of my yard, with all its Life Story Plants, and I'm making plans with the girls to fill up our new yard. Our new house will be smaller, but the girls will get to keep going to the same school with their same friends. They will still have their dad in town to see them on a regular basis, and at all their special events.

My last entry, the awful sad one I erased, was written shortly after I realized finally that his leaving had less to do with her than with his feelings about me. This one, the one I hope to keep, was written shortly after I realized that his feelings about me have less to do with me than with him.

I am bouncy, full of spring. My trajectory is not straight, but it is true.

Comments

[Annika]

YOU are one of the kindest, strongest, most wonderful souls I know.

[Susan]

You are, simply, wonderful. Happy spring. I'm glad you are starting to see a way through a hard, hard time.

I became a vegetarian because it enabled me to stop arguing with my (in hindsight way-too-controlling) college boyfriend (who had talked me into going off the meal plan to cook with him in his dorm kitchen) about how much meat or what menus to make in a week. He went off for a semester abroad and I realized how much I loved just cooking for myself and not worrying about what to eat. And when I dreaded his return, and the return of the arguments, I decided to just be vegetarian. (49 year old me looks back at 20 year old me and screams "YOU SHOULD HAVE DUMPED HIM" but that's not where I was). That's a way worse reason for going vegetarian than not thinking cooking meat is your forte.

[epi]

You are awesome, and I'm glad that things are getting at least a little bit... easier? Not sure what the right words are, but you sound more hopeful.

On vegetarianism: I'm still not entirely sure why I'm vegetarian, although at least part of it was that I'm afraid I'd undercook the meat and poison myself... So culinary inability is totally a valid reason (or at least that's what I tell myself) :)

[Lee]

Awesome. That is you!

You are awesome!

[NellaBean]

So glad to see your post.

[Hannah]

What a lovely post. I'm glad you three will move house, and I'm also glad you will stay in the same town.
Here is to many new and beautifully blossoming flowers in your new yard.

[liz]

Beautiful post.

I went vegetarian for a year because of an argument I had with a then-boyfriend about animal testing.

But I ended up going back to eating meat because I kept getting anemic.

Go veg if you want to, but if your problem is how to cook meat, then get yourself a probe thermometer and remember that the trick to meat is internal temperature.

Steaks: Sear for about 5 minutes per side in a cast iron skillet on top of the stove, then place in 350 oven until internal temp reaches 140 - 160 depending on how well-done you like it.

[LP]

Happy Spring! Lovely to see your new blossoms! ;)

[Neighbor Lady]

So SO happy to see this post!!!!
Happy to see that you are feeling spring!
Best best wishes to you--
Neighbor Lady
p.s. I am excited to hear all about the new blossoms you plant in your new yard.

[taly]

Do you have help with moving? Less house - less to clean. Less yard to mow. New memories everywhere. And it can be ALL YOUR OWN. Will be wonderful.
A fabulous mother makes an awesome partner for some special breed of guys. They do exist.
Also, it is remarkable that you are dealing with new things at this time (such as finances). It is possible to find banks to lend to you. Just takes time to find them.
I do not think your stakes are necessarily horrible at all. It's Frankie's way of coping. I'd be making them often to let her talk.
One does not need to be unhappy for a long time to decide one day that they must have been because they are having an affair.
Love your beautiful family very much. Peaceful dreams.

[kathy a.]

omg, i am so late! but this is a beautiful post. and i agree with everyone, YOU ARE WONDERFUL! beautiful, smart, kind, an excellent mother, the kind of friend i wished lived nearby.

also -- his loss. i'm glad you are beginning to exculpate yourself from this collapse, because it is about him, and not you. and glad you are self-excavating, too, building the something new. you and the girls are going to have one heck of a yard at the new place, i can tell you that much.

about 2/3 of my college went vegetarian one year, because the food service got so awful, and at least the veggie choices were more edible (harder to wreck a salad bar), and we could pass for being cool. this didn't turn out to be a good life choice because of anemia, and also i like meat at least sometimes.

liz has a great suggestion about the meat thermometer. also, a person can do less meat without committing to no meat. and, things made in a crock pot are incredibly easy -- the veggies and meat and whatever cook like magic with no particular skill needed -- which is a huge bonus when one's life is busy enough anyway.

[Jeanette1ca]

Here's a thought: since Frankie so loves meat, sign her up for a cooking class, either in the community or online or with a friend, and make her the new meat chef. She may still need careful watching in the kitchen, depending on her coordination and attention level, but I say the person who loves the results will do the best job, never mind traditional roles.