I can't think of anything funnier than a 42-year-old woman with 2 children trying to figure out how to date again.
I probably need to watch more comedy, though, because I suspect that something involving monkeys would get more laughs, especially if they were super nervous dating monkeys. Maybe.
For instance, on one of my first dates I tried to explain that I would not be interested in any sort of exclusive relationship, given that my life is too unsettled to expect anyone to go all in with me at this point (plus low expectations on all our parts mean less likelihood for disappointment). In explaining that he also was not interested in any sort of exclusive relationship with me, I got the reassurance that this would not be an issue, as I was just not awesome enough for him to fall in love with. Problem solved.
A part of me feels like I should find this more disturbing than reassuring, but another part of me wants to applaud his bluntness. After all, how many of us are actually awesome enough to fall in love with? There are just not enough spectacular people to go around, right? By this age we are all carrying around our little personal failings, tucked into our pockets out of sight, although we all see the bulges anyway.
It's strange to begin dating now, in a world so different than it was 17 years ago. Evidently it's all online now. No one actually knows any single people in real life, but it only takes 24 hours of putting your profile online to discover that there are at least 50 single guys nearby happy to message you with varying degrees of grammatical facility. I would probably have found fewer single guys in my area were it not for the fact that I mentioned that I hadn't had sex in a year, and that I found this fact to be a total bitch. I probably need to learn how to dial back the frankness. Actually I probably should have learned this lesson ages ago.
Nevertheless, I am trying to remember how not to take this part of my life too seriously, because otherwise it would be terrifying.
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Then one night Frankie comes home and she is singing a song that she heard at her dad's, and it is a song from an album that I recently bought, too. So I burn it onto a cd to play in the car for her, because there is nothing I love better than to hear my daughter singing.
And suddenly I realize that I am not constantly having to remind myself to let go of the anger and the hurt, because I remember why I fell in love with him in the first place and it no longer matters that that love is no longer there. I don't have to doubt myself for falling in love with someone who eventually no longer loved me. Maybe I do still doubt myself, but I don't have to.
And it's also ok that we are off buying the same albums and therefore paying for them twice with our two separate lives that will never completely separate. It's ok because I am happy here in my little house with my girls, and our dog, and our night-attack kitties. It's ok to admit that we are clearly both happier now, and to inch toward a forgiveness. Or, if not a forgiveness, at least a more relaxed air of unconcern, which might be a more attainable goal for right now.
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Then another night comes and my phone rings. My stomach flutters; I reach for the phone; I step into the river to be swept away.
And then I answer the call.
heavens you are good! I hope you are planning on a book. so happy to hear the world is picking up. we all just keep plugging away dont we?
Posted by: Jennifer | November 05, 2012 at 07:16 PM
How lovely to read and hear.
And it also allows me to be more optimistic on behalf of a friend who right now cannot muster any hope of his own, as he has just been left in a very similar way by his wife, another (close) friend (something that haunts me quite a lot right now). That there will be a more relaxed air of unconcern, and a new quality of laughter with his two kids, and some fluttering stomaches in his own future eventually, too.
Posted by: hannah | November 06, 2012 at 04:02 AM
Glad things are moving forward. But please remember, you ARE awesome enough. If he doesn't see it, that's his issue not yours.
Here's hoping for those good butterflies for you...
:)
Posted by: Neighbor Lady | November 07, 2012 at 02:29 PM
Good luck with everything. Glad to hear you are trying to date and keep a sense of humor about this experience. I hope you can relax, have fun and enjoy the moment without worrying about relationships on the first date or talking about them with someone who is likely to be equally potentially terrified :-)
As for relaxed air of unconcern, or any other airs, maybe fake it til you make it?
Posted by: taly | November 08, 2012 at 10:43 AM
oh, i'm late again. but what neighbor lady said, exactly. xoxo
Posted by: kathy a. | November 23, 2012 at 11:16 PM
Ahhhh...I've been away from you for quite a while. So much in the in-between time, but glad to see photos of you and the girls smiling.
This: "After all, how many of us are actually awesome enough to fall in love with?"
You're pretty awesome. Seriously. Your words have always been genius and nothing has changed.
Posted by: Josette Plank | December 05, 2012 at 10:30 PM
We're all awesome enough to fall in love with. Even though I will admit that sometimes I can't see it in the people I'm dating and I'm sure they sometimes can't see it in me--it's still true, I think.
You are a catch, though. I know that. Good luck and let me know if you need an ear ever for online dating venting. It is definitely ... different.
Posted by: Andrea | December 06, 2012 at 08:37 AM
Hi! What's your opinion on what is your common reading audience?
Posted by: ZephyrWorld | January 14, 2013 at 07:26 AM
The problem with midlife dating: it's full of man-boys. Which is fine when you're 22, because you don't know any better. But when you're 42 and have spent the last decade saving someone's life while simultaneously having and taking care of someone else, plus another guy, you know better.
I always do exactly what the dating coaches tell you not to do: get serious immediately. Because I am a grown up single-mom lady without months to waste on someone who's going to do nothing but make me miserable. So I ask what happened to the marriage, or the girlfriend, or why there never was a marriage, and whether he's still friends with his exes and how close they are (friends = good, still sleeping with = bad, hates them = run away), and who owns what and what the deal with the kids is, and I check out everything they tell me for the first few months.
Do you still settle, in the end? Sure. But if you're lucky you settle for someone who knows *exactly* how awesome you are, without being told, and isn't a complete disaster.
Be very careful in the meantime, please. And check your HSV status while you're getting tested for everything else -- the only test available is a blood test, unfortunately. But what sucks immensely (I hear) is to find that your beau was unwittingly shedding HSV-1 orally, and has accidentally given you a nifty case of genital herpes, thanks to the fact that you hadn't been exposed before and hadn't the necessary antibodies.
Also, Dr. Ruth has some excellent advice on sex toys for solo pleasure. Which is often less trouble and more satisfying.
Posted by: esmerelda | January 14, 2013 at 04:02 PM
When material objects are given as gifts, in many cultures they are traditionally packaged in some manner. For example, in Western culture, gifts are often wrapped in wrapping paper and accompanied by a gift note which may note the occasion, the recipient's name, and the giver's name.
Posted by: Birthday Hampers | January 20, 2013 at 04:02 PM
Glad to hear you have finally moved on. Feel free to date other man, you're still young after all.
God bless you and your daughters. :)
Posted by: Gift Basket | January 22, 2013 at 11:39 PM