One week after the movers rolled grandma's piano up to a new wall ("Listen, guys, this is the only piece of furniture I really care about, OK?"), and I am sitting here watching Tinkerbell look out our new window. The Divorce Kitten is now a full-grown Divorce Cat, and soon she will just be A Cat. Our Cat, and a sweet one. Cleo is sprawled on the floor at my feet, and Leonardo click-clicks across the floor of every room, pacing with his terrier energy that even the hour walk we just took did not dissipate. He will make sure Frankie is in her bed, and then Annika, and then me. He likes the world to be in order, much like J, and he's a runner, too. The difference being that he comes back as long as you don't chase him. Also, it is totally socially acceptable to leave a leash on a dog at all times, just in case.
It's good that we've moved, because here is a place that I don't keep expecting J to turn up. Not that I actually did, anymore, but the brain is a funny thing and not always kind.
I have friends, mostly online, whose husbands left around the same time. Now I watch as some finalize their divorces, and some get back together. Some of my friends have already started dating again, and I think that must be nice. Because isn't that part of why people my age end up divorced? So that they can experience once more that rush of falling in love? And even if the divorce is not something I've chosen, I probably should look into that benefit to ward off the mopeys. But the fact that my primary identity is Mother means that I can't even imagine myself navigating those waters, or even launching myself from my barnacle-encrusted dock.
Not to mention the fact that I have two children attached to me approximately 90% of the time. But even that is improving. For the first time since November, the girls are back to sleeping in their own beds. Tinkerbell climbs the ladder to Anni's loft and curls up in her curly hair, and faithful Cleo snuggles next to Frankie. Leonardo snores loudly next to me. We are balanced in that way, all of us with our own places and our own wordless companions. Less hurt now, and dreaming what we dream alone. As we all do.
Damn, Moreena, this is a beautiful post.
Posted by: liz | July 18, 2012 at 10:40 AM
Isn't it wonderful when life takes an uplifting turn? You have worked hard to get to this "new" place, and it sounds like it suits you. I am glad for you and the girls ~
Posted by: Sharon | July 18, 2012 at 02:05 PM
Congratulations on the new beginnings! As much as you are a Mother, the kids' needs will change as they grow, but you do not need to worry about it now - rest and sleep are just so wonderful! Wishing you all sweet and pleasant dreams, and a lot of pure and gentle light and love.
Posted by: taly | July 19, 2012 at 03:12 PM
Lovely post. I'm glad to hear you're doing well in this new place (mentally & physically).
Posted by: chicago foodie girl | July 19, 2012 at 07:57 PM
Love your new banner picture. And happy you're settling into a new normal...I know just what you mean about being in a new place. Now you can make new memories to hold onto.
Posted by: Rev Dr Mom | July 19, 2012 at 10:06 PM
Also love the new banner! I'm glad you all are doing a bit better and each have your own animal companion at night - somehow, (at least for me) that always makes everything a little easier :)
Posted by: epi | July 20, 2012 at 10:18 PM
checking here every week and saying a quick prayer for you often. keep plowing forward and don't beat yourself up when you go backwards for a while.
Posted by: jennifer | July 21, 2012 at 12:09 AM
Thanks for the wonderful update!
Posted by: Lee | July 21, 2012 at 06:27 AM
I'm glad that soon your divorce kitten is just going to be your sweet cat. And I'm glad about beautiful updates like this one.
Posted by: Hannah | July 21, 2012 at 02:48 PM
Always have followed Anika's progress, since my grandaughter Molly was going through allot of the same health issues. How is Anika healthwise? She sure looks good. I know you mentioned having her lip surgery before your life got all changed. I hope you still do that, my teenage grandchildren are boys but they have girl friends and sometimes kids can be so cruel when it comes to any little flaw in appearance. We had to even put Molly in a new school because the kids at her old school were to aware of her past health issues. Because of the chemo at such a young age she has some hearing loss and wears hearing aids. She also is behind academically as she missed so much school. She melted right in with the kids in her new school and just loves it. Sometimes change is good, as you are finding out the hard way. I hope your life and the girls is just a bowl of cherries with no pits, from now on. Molly's grandma Sue
Posted by: Sue Frey | August 18, 2012 at 11:06 AM